Well, I have taken another tremendous step on my spiritual journey. It still sounds weird to me to say that. I have always believed in God, most of the time I believe in myself, and I tend to believe in others. But there are so many things I don’t understand.
If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that I have issues with my mother. Now, I use the present tense, but she has been gone almost two years. Our relationship has been tumultuous and I have been unable to relinquish the feelings of anger and hurt.
With all my health issues, I decided it was time to work on my whole being and not just my physical body. So, when someone suggested Reiki to me, I was intrigued. I have tried meditation, but my mind is unable to quiet down long enough for me to find any peace.
After reading several books, listening to some audios, watching some videos, and talking to a bunch of people, I decided to give it one more try. I have been taking an online Reiki course (Chikara-Reiki0Do: Ultimate Reiki Training) and one of the things they offer is an audio for Developing Intuitive Reiki Meditation.
I have been struggling with forgiving my mother. So angry, holding onto things that are done and passed and I have wondered why I couldn’t just undo the past. I want to forgive her. Anyways.
This afternoon I grabbed my iphone, my earbuds, and went out onto the pool deck in the sunshine and took my first shot at the new meditation. I did not expect much. My meditation results have been uninspiring, to say the least. It began much the way they all do, but then something changed.
Unbelievably, my mind calmed and I was able to focus on my intention. I needed to talk to my mother. I needed to know why she did the things she did and why she refuses to leave me alone. Well, things are not always as they seem.
Shortly after my mother passed, I told my husband, in a tear-filled rage, that I could not believe that after all the years I took care of her, when it came to the time when I truly needed her, she decided to leave. She decided to die. How could she do that? Why would she do that?
Well, during my “talk” today, my mother explained to me that her action was not selfish, but selfless. She told me she made the choice so I would not have to worry about her during my hard times. She said if she were alive that I would always be worrying about her and that would not be good for me and my health.
She went on to explain that she wasn’t hanging around, I am keeping her around. She told me she loved me, had always loved me, always wanted the best for me and sometimes she thought that meant letting someone else take care of me when she knew she couldn’t. She wants me free to focus on my life and my own healing.
For so long, I have been unwilling to let go of the anger because if I did, I would be letting go of her, and then she might go away. It would be like letting her go twice. The thought of losing her again was too much, but she made me see that I would not be losing her. I would be moving on and letting her move on. I came to a lot of other realizations during our conversation, but basically speaking, I am the one with the issues because I am the one who is ALIVE. I am the one who needs to let it go.
My mother urged me to move on and to let her go. I can honestly say that I have never had an experience like this before and I am not sure where to go now. I have heard/read that when you have your first meaningful meditative experience it can leave you feeling:
- Extreme positive exhileration and joy
- Extreme emotional breakdown
- nothing at all
I expected nothing. What I got was a lot of very strong emotions ranging from sorrow to relief. I also got understanding.