I thought I was okay with you going, but it seems that I am not. I was recently told that I have mother issues. This is not news to me or anyone, but I did not realize just how angry I am with you. Where the hell are you? Why aren’t you here? I dealt with being the adult in our relationship. It had to be done and I loved you, so I took care of you. People keep telling me that I need to forgive you and move on with my life.
I did all the things you needed me to do. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrote checks to pay bills so all you had to do was sign them. I did it because you were my mother and I loved you. I took the few beatings you gave me in stride, never sure I deserved them, but they seemed to make you feel better.
For all my life I tried to be what you wanted me to be. I know you wanted a girl you could dress up in ribbons and frills, and I wanted to be a boy. So to make you happy and proud of me I took ballet and tap and learned to twirl a baton. But where were you when I was showing what I’d learned? WHERE WERE YOU? I wanted you to be proud, but you never seemed interested.
Later in life when things got harder for you, I tried to take care of you, I almost lost my marriage because we wanted to take care of you, but you made it impossible. You did everything in your power to push us and everyone else away. Why? We just wanted to help, because we loved you.
And then one day you came to me and asked, “Tell me what to do. Should I just give up and let nature take me?” Who the hell asks their kid to make that decision for them? What the hell were you thinking? Nothing could have been worse for me. I could not even imagine making that choice. But I loved you, so I told you to decide on your own and I would support your decision. And I did.
But now I NEED you. I need my mother to be here for me like I was there for her. I need to know that when the pain becomes unbearable I can hold her hand. I NEED to know that when I wake up in the middle of the night crying out for my mother that she will wipe my face and tell me she loves me. I NEED MY MOTHER. But where are you? Why aren’t you here? Why did you leave me and how in the hell can anyone expect me to forgive you for not being here when I need you the most? I want to forgive you, I swear I do, but you left me and now I have no mother to make everything better. How do I forgive you for not being here when I NEED YOU?
We can’t undo what’s already been done. Your granddad, our dad, also had a narcissistic personality. It’s as if your mother, never able to establish a relationship with him (he was incapable of normal relationships) decided, “If I can’t have him, I’ll be him” and in many ways, she was more like he was than he was himself, especially as regards his severe narcissism. We all suffered but it is possible (though certainly not easy) to move beyond it. I share here a link to some resources that you may find helpful. Check out the website author’s book on Amazon — and some of the other related books Amazon calls out at http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/yourenotcrazy.html
You are loved,
… and the really sucky part is that relationship never was what we wanted it to be, and will never be what we’re aching for.
Keep screaming and raging … no-one here is going to go away because you do, or judge you for it.
Karen, everyone’s relationship with their mom is unique although we hold our own ideas of what they should be. I remember your mom and do remember you taking care of her. You were a good and kind daughter. Hold on to that and you have a wonderful husband. You are blessed. Love you, kiddo.
Karen, I know exactly what you mean. I miss my mother every day. Although she could be a pain, she was my mom and I loved her. She passed away several years ago from emphysema. An avid smoker.
Heartbreaking but hopefully therapeutic to get it out, to shout it out as loud as you can. Maybe she won’t be there for you but lots of other people will Karen and, no we can take the place of your mother but collectively we can bite a chunk out of that pain. God Bless you