I thought I was okay with you going, but it seems that I am not. I was recently told that I have mother issues. This is not news to me or anyone, but I did not realize just how angry I am with you. Where the hell are you? Why aren’t you here? I dealt with being the adult in our relationship. It had to be done and I loved you, so I took care of you. People keep telling me that I need to forgive you and move on with my life.
I did all the things you needed me to do. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrote checks to pay bills so all you had to do was sign them. I did it because you were my mother and I loved you. I took the few beatings you gave me in stride, never sure I deserved them, but they seemed to make you feel better.
For all my life I tried to be what you wanted me to be. I know you wanted a girl you could dress up in ribbons and frills, and I wanted to be a boy. So to make you happy and proud of me I took ballet and tap and learned to twirl a baton. But where were you when I was showing what I’d learned? WHERE WERE YOU? I wanted you to be proud, but you never seemed interested.
Later in life when things got harder for you, I tried to take care of you, I almost lost my marriage because we wanted to take care of you, but you made it impossible. You did everything in your power to push us and everyone else away. Why? We just wanted to help, because we loved you.
And then one day you came to me and asked, “Tell me what to do. Should I just give up and let nature take me?” Who the hell asks their kid to make that decision for them? What the hell were you thinking? Nothing could have been worse for me. I could not even imagine making that choice. But I loved you, so I told you to decide on your own and I would support your decision. And I did.
But now I NEED you. I need my mother to be here for me like I was there for her. I need to know that when the pain becomes unbearable I can hold her hand. I NEED to know that when I wake up in the middle of the night crying out for my mother that she will wipe my face and tell me she loves me. I NEED MY MOTHER. But where are you? Why aren’t you here? Why did you leave me and how in the hell can anyone expect me to forgive you for not being here when I need you the most? I want to forgive you, I swear I do, but you left me and now I have no mother to make everything better. How do I forgive you for not being here when I NEED YOU?