As you may have guessed from the subject, this might not be a sunshine and puppies post, unless of course…oh never mind. This has been a hell of a week and it isn’t even over yet. Couple of anxiety attacks and today I ruined our day with a full-blown whimpering, sobbing tantrum about how unfair life is. Yeah, I know suck it up.

I have spent the last week on the phone trying to get things squared around with prescriptions, doctor appointments, did I mention anxiety attacks? Then there is the crap with the insurance…one ends on 12/31/13 but I already have another in place. We had to jump through a bunch of hoops to try and get today’s appointment covered by something. Why can’t things ever be easy? And let me just say…half a million dollars. Yeah, you read that right. That is what it will cost me to get my two surgeries and that is before my prescriptions that will run about $5000 per month (that is post transplant). The LVAD meds should only be about $2000 a month. Oh, and did I mention insurance only pays 80%. Where the hell are we gonna get the rest of that money? I feel more tears coming on…but I shall refrain for now.  I freaking need fried chicken.

So I sit here with my heart monitor on and the leads with little adhesive pads burning holes in my flesh. In 24 hours I will hurt like the devil because there are no alternatives. Allergic to adhesive…really? sigh I also went and had my biopsy sutures removed. Hurt worse getting them out than getting them in. I did see a new doc today and I liked her a lot. Very upbeat and my short time with her has been the bright spot in my week. Tomorrow we trek back downtown at rush hour to drop off the monitor.

Oh, and they took me to transplant committee today. REJECTED. I knew it would happen, they warned me, and I thought I was prepared, but it still sucks to be told you are so sick that you need a new heart to stay alive and then being told they won’t give you the new heart because you are too sick. I know we have a back up plan and they will revisit the committee after we try plan b to get us ready for the original plan, but damn, it still stung to hear it.

I can’t seem to get out of the “what did I do to deserve this” pity lane. NO ONE deserves this, but right now this is all about me and my self-pity. And now my personal favorite asshat comment for the day. “It’s my new heart, not someone else’s old heart.” Dick Cheney

Really? What an insensitive prick. Fine it is your new heart, but how do you think the family of your donor or any donor feels about that? You can think as stupid as you want, but for the love of all things deep fried, don’t talk!! Just don’t  talk, Dick.

I just read a blog post by author Katina French on her embarrassing medical conditions. She points out that October is Mental Illness Awareness month. Boy howdy.

**Clarification: A presidential decree actually declared May as National Mental Health Awareness Month, 2013.

 In 1990, the U.S. Congress established the first full week of October as Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW) in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to raise mental illness awareness. Since then, mental health advocates across the country have joined with others in their communities to sponsor activities, large or small, for public education about mental illness. 

Mental Illness Awareness Week, Oct. 6-12, 2013. MIAW coincides with the National Day of Prayer for Mental Illness Recovery and Understanding (Oct. 8) and National Depression Screening Day (Oct. 10.)**

She claims to be the queen, but how can that be true, given my medical history. From what I’ve seen, Kat is a delightful woman and she does camoflauge her issues pretty well. I know how she feels. Having dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, I can totally get where she is coming from.

I also feel for her with regard to the digestive system, and I trump her husband’s diabetes with my own diabetes. Toss in my heart condition and the dreaded allergies that Kat fears, and I am obviously the queen. But I will give her that title in her kingdom and take the title for my own kingdom. In the land of Backsliding, we thrive on failed quests and goals. We set new goals with extreme glee and then we suffer in excrutiating emotional pain when we fall off the wagon.

In my case, I not only fell off the wagon, but I ate it. When I first got sick I weighed 309 lbs (I looked like someone stuck an air hose up my arse at full force). It was horrifically uncomfortable. I managed to get down to 206 pounds over the course of 5 years and that was pure bliss. I could not remember the time when I felt better. But alas, the land of Backsliding is a dangerous place and there are many demons to be vanquished. Unfortunately, I just ate one of them too.

In the last month or so I have gained almost 20 pounds and I don’t know how to make it stop. I mean, I know what I have to do, I just can’t seem to get over the emotionally instability that causes me to ignore the obvious. I do sincerely want to lose weight. I promise I do. I just can’t stop eating. I get upset, I eat. I get scared, I eat. I get happy, I eat. The happy eating is the only eating I really enjoy. The others are just a defense against the horrible feelings whirling inside of me.

I recently had several people tell me how inspired they are by me and my strength. Thank you, but I am not strong. I am actually quite weak and nuerotic. I have fears and insecurities like everyone else and while this post may seem whiny and pathetic, it is actually intended to let you know that I am going to kick all this crap to the curb. I just needed to vent.

And while you’re here, I would like to remind you to show mercy and tolerance when people aren’t just like you. We aren’t all crazy, we’re just different.