As you may have guessed from the subject, this might not be a sunshine and puppies post, unless of course…oh never mind. This has been a hell of a week and it isn’t even over yet. Couple of anxiety attacks and today I ruined our day with a full-blown whimpering, sobbing tantrum about how unfair life is. Yeah, I know suck it up.

I have spent the last week on the phone trying to get things squared around with prescriptions, doctor appointments, did I mention anxiety attacks? Then there is the crap with the insurance…one ends on 12/31/13 but I already have another in place. We had to jump through a bunch of hoops to try and get today’s appointment covered by something. Why can’t things ever be easy? And let me just say…half a million dollars. Yeah, you read that right. That is what it will cost me to get my two surgeries and that is before my prescriptions that will run about $5000 per month (that is post transplant). The LVAD meds should only be about $2000 a month. Oh, and did I mention insurance only pays 80%. Where the hell are we gonna get the rest of that money? I feel more tears coming on…but I shall refrain for now.  I freaking need fried chicken.

So I sit here with my heart monitor on and the leads with little adhesive pads burning holes in my flesh. In 24 hours I will hurt like the devil because there are no alternatives. Allergic to adhesive…really? sigh I also went and had my biopsy sutures removed. Hurt worse getting them out than getting them in. I did see a new doc today and I liked her a lot. Very upbeat and my short time with her has been the bright spot in my week. Tomorrow we trek back downtown at rush hour to drop off the monitor.

Oh, and they took me to transplant committee today. REJECTED. I knew it would happen, they warned me, and I thought I was prepared, but it still sucks to be told you are so sick that you need a new heart to stay alive and then being told they won’t give you the new heart because you are too sick. I know we have a back up plan and they will revisit the committee after we try plan b to get us ready for the original plan, but damn, it still stung to hear it.

I can’t seem to get out of the “what did I do to deserve this” pity lane. NO ONE deserves this, but right now this is all about me and my self-pity. And now my personal favorite asshat comment for the day. “It’s my new heart, not someone else’s old heart.” Dick Cheney

Really? What an insensitive prick. Fine it is your new heart, but how do you think the family of your donor or any donor feels about that? You can think as stupid as you want, but for the love of all things deep fried, don’t talk!! Just don’t  talk, Dick.