Category Archives: Just for Fun

It Still Sucks

As you may have guessed from the subject, this might not be a sunshine and puppies post, unless of course…oh never mind. This has been a hell of a week and it isn’t even over yet. Couple of anxiety attacks and today I ruined our day with a full-blown whimpering, sobbing tantrum about how unfair life is. Yeah, I know suck it up.

I have spent the last week on the phone trying to get things squared around with prescriptions, doctor appointments, did I mention anxiety attacks? Then there is the crap with the insurance…one ends on 12/31/13 but I already have another in place. We had to jump through a bunch of hoops to try and get today’s appointment covered by something. Why can’t things ever be easy? And let me just say…half a million dollars. Yeah, you read that right. That is what it will cost me to get my two surgeries and that is before my prescriptions that will run about $5000 per month (that is post transplant). The LVAD meds should only be about $2000 a month. Oh, and did I mention insurance only pays 80%. Where the hell are we gonna get the rest of that money? I feel more tears coming on…but I shall refrain for now.  I freaking need fried chicken.

So I sit here with my heart monitor on and the leads with little adhesive pads burning holes in my flesh. In 24 hours I will hurt like the devil because there are no alternatives. Allergic to adhesive…really? sigh I also went and had my biopsy sutures removed. Hurt worse getting them out than getting them in. I did see a new doc today and I liked her a lot. Very upbeat and my short time with her has been the bright spot in my week. Tomorrow we trek back downtown at rush hour to drop off the monitor.

Sad-Broken-Heart-Photos1Oh, and they took me to transplant committee today. REJECTED. I knew it would happen, they warned me, and I thought I was prepared, but it still sucks to be told you are so sick that you need a new heart to stay alive and then being told they won’t give you the new heart because you are too sick. I know we have a back up plan and they will revisit the committee after we try plan b to get us ready for the original plan, but damn, it still stung to hear it.

I can’t seem to get out of the “what did I do to deserve this” pity lane. NO ONE deserves this, but right now this is all about me and my self-pity. And now my personal favorite asshat comment for the day. “It’s my new heart, not someone else’s old heart.” Dick Cheney

Really? What an insensitive prick. Fine it is your new heart, but how do you think the family of your donor or any donor feels about that? You can think as stupid as you want, but for the love of all things deep fried, don’t talk!! Just don’t  talk, Dick.

The Queen of Backsliding

I just read a blog post by author Katina French on her embarrassing medical conditions. She points out that October is Mental Illness Awareness month. Boy howdy.

mental-health-ribbon**Clarification: A presidential decree actually declared May as National Mental Health Awareness Month, 2013.

 In 1990, the U.S. Congress established the first full week of October as Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW) in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to raise mental illness awareness. Since then, mental health advocates across the country have joined with others in their communities to sponsor activities, large or small, for public education about mental illness. 

Mental Illness Awareness Week, Oct. 6-12, 2013. MIAW coincides with the National Day of Prayer for Mental Illness Recovery and Understanding (Oct. 8) and National Depression Screening Day (Oct. 10.)**

She claims to be the queen, but how can that be true, given my medical history. From what I’ve seen, Kat is a delightful woman and she does camoflauge her issues pretty well. I know how she feels. Having dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, I can totally get where she is coming from.

I also feel for her with regard to the digestive system, and I trump her husband’s diabetes with my own diabetes. Toss in my heart condition and the dreaded allergies that Kat fears, and I am obviously the queen. But I will give her that title in her kingdom and take the title for my own kingdom. In the land of Backsliding, we thrive on failed quests and goals. We set new goals with extreme glee and then we suffer in excrutiating emotional pain when we fall off the wagon.

10-31-10-newdo-2In my case, I not only fell off the wagon, but I ate it. When I first got sick I weighed 309 lbs (I looked like someone stuck an air hose up my arse at full force). It was horrifically uncomfortable. I managed to get down to 206 pounds over the course of 5 years and that was pure bliss. I could not remember the time when I felt better. But alas, the land of Backsliding is a dangerous place and there are many demons to be vanquished. Unfortunately, I just ate one of them too.

In the last month or so I have gained almost 20 pounds and I don’t know how to make it stop. I mean, I know what I have to do, I just can’t seem to get over the emotionally instability that causes me to ignore the obvious. I do sincerely want to lose weight. I promise I do. I just can’t stop eating. I get upset, I eat. I get scared, I eat. I get happy, I eat. The happy eating is the only eating I really enjoy. The others are just a defense against the horrible feelings whirling inside of me.

I recently had several people tell me how inspired they are by me and my strength. Thank you, but I am not strong. I am actually quite weak and nuerotic. I have fears and insecurities like everyone else and while this post may seem whiny and pathetic, it is actually intended to let you know that I am going to kick all this crap to the curb. I just needed to vent.

And while you’re here, I would like to remind you to show mercy and tolerance when people aren’t just like you. We aren’t all crazy, we’re just different.

name-badgeThat’s it. I admit it, I am a total slacker. It has been too long since I posted anything here, but I have a good reason. Well, for a while I was at the Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. I went to have an ablation to stop those pesky v-tach episoded. Well, that was not as successful as I’d like, but the meds I am taking seem to be working.

I also got a new ticker box–they upgraded my old pacemaker/defibrillator to a new bi-v device. I have three wires now in my chest instead of two…wooohooo! And if being in Boston for surgery wasn’t enough, I had surgery on the day of the bombing. My husband was actually in that block only an hour or so before the explosions. God sure is looking out for us.

So with all that going on, I fell behind in EVERYTHING. I have been working very hard to get caught up and that is my reason for not posting. I have, however, come up with five new story ideas that I will probaly never get written.

I sure do miss writing…

Refund Please!

broken heartMy heart done been broke. I think I am done with the tests for today, but the results of everything have not been good. In fact, they have been bad. It seems that each doctor I see feels the need to give me more bad news.

Doctor #1: Monday’s – procedure went fine, no complications (except the gouge in my throat from the trach tube.) Bad news is, while we got numerous problem spots that are causing the arrhythmia, there are many more we cannot get to.

Doctor #2: We wiped out a lot of PVCs when we did the ablation, but the other spots causing PVCs cannot be ablated. This will continue to cause stress on your heart and we are putting you back on the meds you came here to get off of.

Doctor #3: Well, we really have no idea why your heart is in the horrible shape it is in, but we are going to do 1,234,487 more tests and hope we find something. Oh, and the little chunks of your heart we snipped out showed us nothing.

Doctor #4: Well, I know you have answered all these questions 2,349,345 times, but I need you to tell me now since I was not here. Blah blah blah, oh and by the way, you have two leaky valves…really leaky.

Doctor #5: You know what all the others have said and now you are going to talk to another doctor about a transplant.

Doctor #6: …no sign of him yet…

Good news though, the SWAT team finally left the hospital.

And how was your day?

Warranty Void?

honda-spark-plugsAnd the hits just keep on coming. I won’t even go into the whole diet issue. I’ll skip right to the recall. That’s right folks; one of the wires on my ICD device (pacemaker/defibrillator) is on recall. Really? What am I, a Toyota? Then the doctor tells me to think of this as my 50,000 mile checkup. What, are doctors trained to read minds now? LOL

I also have a heart murmur. Did I mention that yesterday? I also have a left bundle branch block that is causing some issues. So Probably on Wednesday I get to go back into surgery, have my ICD taken out and a new one with a two original good wires and a new third wire. Woohoo. How excited am I?

They took me off the meds that were blocking the arrhythmia problems, and now that they are flushing it out, I am feeling those blips coming back. Set off my little alarm last night. Guess I just needed some attention. LOL

All in all this is good news, but I sure as hell don’t want to have to deal with all this. Hubby is being such a good guy. He is staying here in the hospital with me and I feel so bad that he is cooped up and not eager to leave me alone. He is the best husband ever.

The Beginning of the Journey

Click Cover to Buy

Click Cover to Buy

When I woke up this morning, I had a notice about a new Blog post from one of the Blogs I subscribe to. That post was by Jenny Turner, who writes as J.R. Turner. Her Blog was entitled “The End of the Road.” I was going to respond on her Blog, but then I decided that I would do it here and toss in a few other things.

In her Blog, Jenny talks about the changes in her life. One of the things she mentions is the reversion of all her rights. Anyone who knows the situation, knows I was Jenny’s publisher. I have already had one person ask me what happened, why I reverted her rights to everything, like there was some horrible altercation or something. Let me be clear, I reverted Jenny’s rights because her contracts expired and she had previously embarked on her journey as a self-publisher. Jenny was with Echelon Press for nearly the entire time of its existance and she will always remain a part of its history, and a very important part.

Jenny is one of the most talented writers I have ever met. Her wit is sharp, her style is enchanting, and her ability is stunning. She tells a story almost as good as any writer I know. I sincerely hope that when she has reissued her works in her own venue that you will offer her the support she so richly deserves. If you have not read her work, you should, you will not be sorry!

I wanted to write this post to ensure Jenny and anyone who enjoys an awesome story knows that despite how Jenny described it, this is not the End of the Road for her, it is the beginning of an awesome journey.

Color me a bad writer! Really?

Just found this little gem on the Internet. Good thing I have thick skin.

One-Quote Review: Thief of Hearts by Karen L. Syed

Posted on April 14, 2012 by 
Title: Thief of Hearts
Author: Karen L. Syed
Genre(s): Historical, Short Story
Publisher: Echelon Press, February 2012
Purchase: Amazon, free
Quick blurb: TSTL heroine + angsty kidnapper = amateur mess.
Grade: D
The difference between her present dilemma and what always miraculously happens in her dreams made her sad, and a little frightened.

It made me a little nauseous.