Category Archives: Blatherings

Home vs. Home

Posted on April 20, 2014 | 5 comments

Randy Travis’ LVAD device

Well, it has been a long four months, but I am finally home. As some of you know, I had to go up to Jacksonville to the Mayo Clinic to be evaluated for the heart transplant list. I have been initially denied because of the high presures in my lungs, caused by the overexurtion of my barely functioning heart. After some very serious consideration I decided to get an LVAD. Many of you may not know what that is. It is the Left Ventricular Assist Device (Randy Travis and Dick Cheney both received one.) You can see from the links that they were very different devices. Mine is the one that Dick Cheney got.

Dick Cheney LVAD device

At any rate, after I received the device on Dec. 17, 2013, I had to spend the next 3 1/2 months at the Gabriel House of Care. The people that I met during my stay have touched my life in ways I never could have imagined. I made friends, I mean real friends, who went out of their way to help me, both physically and emotionally. I did my best to return the kindness.

Spending so much time in a single place with the same peple for months, makes them like family. You get used to seeing them every day, talking to them, eating meals with them, and laughing and crying with them. On Thursday I came home–to my physical home. The house we bought in Orlando. I think it might be one of the most difficult things I have done. I had to leave people I came to care about and love to be where I live.

Gabriel House of Care, Mayo Clinic, Jacksonville, FL

It has been a very difficult journey, I have spent several days, and nights, in tears, I have also found myself getting reaccustomed to my home. Given my situation, it seems odd to say that home is where the heart is, but it is also very true. Sometimes it is excruciating to have my heart in so many different places.

There are so many people who I met at Gabriel House, but the ones who stand out did remarkable things for me. Thank you, Lavon, Cindy and Dearl, Sandie and John, Sharon and Tonyia, and Mike and Valerie. There are so many others, but I could write all day.

As time goes by I will be lettig you get to know some of the people I have met. You will love them.

And don’t forget, people need you! Become an organ donor. My heart depends on it.

5 Comments

Posted in Blatherings, Heart Healthy Living, Just for Fun

The Loss of a Friend

Posted on February 20, 2014 | 1 comment

I came to the Garbriel House of Care on December 30, 2013 a couple weeks after my surgery at Mayo Clinic. I wasn’t too sure about Gabriel House. Community living, no food or TV in the rooms, and lots of people all around. I was convinced it would cramp my style.

I’ve been here more than a month now and I can’t tell you how wrong I was. This place is a gift from God. I can’t imagine what the healing process would have been like if we’d had to spend three months in a hotel. But the best part of this place is the people. Every other person at Gabriel House is a patient. The others are their caregivers. If you know somene who is taking care of a sick loved one, you be extra special kind to them. They have the worst job ever and their only pay is love.

I have met some wonderful people who have really touched my life. Today, three of them left. Two went home and I am so pleased for them. Even though I will miss them, I am confident our friendships will endure. I miss you already Catherine and Sue.

But we also suffered a loss today. Several weeks ago, a couple blew into the house with more energy and enthusiasm than should be legal. In their 70s they were more vibrant than most of the rest of them. Joel in particular was a feisty one. Always quick with a joke or a compliment, and always flirting with all the girls. An absolute gem.

Well, Joel was here to fight back his cancer. We all thought he was doing great, but a couple of days ago, they discovered things things weren’t that good. Joel passed away this morning, and I can tell you, we are all feeling the loss. You don’t imagine that you can care about someone after such a short amount of time. But Joel was a breath of fresh air and that is one light in my life I don’t think will go out any time soon. RIP Joel, you are already missed.

Cherish the friends you have, they don’t live forever.

1 Comment

Posted in Blatherings

Mother Issues

Posted on January 23, 2014 | 5 comments

Dear Mom.

karenjones-27 I thought I was okay with you going, but it seems that I am not. I was recently told that I have mother issues. This is not news to me or anyone, but I did not realize just how angry I am with you. Where the hell are you? Why aren’t you here? I dealt with being the adult in our relationship. It had to be done and I loved you, so I took care of you. People keep telling me that I need to forgive you and move on with my life.

I did all the things you needed me to do. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrote checks to pay bills so all you had to do was sign them. I did it because you were my mother and I loved you. I took the few beatings you gave me in stride, never sure I deserved them, but they seemed to make you feel better.

For all my life I tried to be what you wanted me to be. I know you wanted a girl you could dress up in ribbons and frills, and I wanted to be a boy. So to make you happy and proud of me I took ballet and tap and learned to twirl a baton. But where were you when I was showing what I’d learned? WHERE WERE YOU? I wanted you to be proud, but you never seemed interested. karenjones-2

Later in life when things got harder for you, I tried to take care of you, I almost lost my marriage because we wanted to take care of you, but you made it impossible. You did everything in your power to push us and everyone else away. Why? We just wanted to help, because we loved you.

And then one day you came to me and asked, “Tell me what to do. Should I just give up and let nature take me?” Who the hell asks their kid to make that decision for them? What the hell were you thinking? Nothing could have been worse for me. I could not even imagine making that choice. But I loved you, so I told you to decide on your own and I would support your decision. And I did.

karenjones-29 But now I NEED you. I need my mother to be here for me like I was there for her. I need to know that when the pain becomes unbearable I can hold her hand. I NEED to know that when I wake up in the middle of the night crying out for my mother that she will wipe my face and tell me she loves me. I NEED MY MOTHER. But where are you? Why aren’t you here? Why did you leave me and how in the hell can anyone expect me to forgive you for not being here when I need you the most? I want to forgive you, I swear I do, but you left me and now I have no mother to make everything better. How do I forgive you for not being here when I NEED YOU?