Blinded By My Tears

tears_n_painI have been waiting since December 2013 to have my follow-up heart cath. It has been a grueling wait, and after two postponements (we drove up on Monday for a Tuesday appt. I got in and they could not do the test because no one told me to stop taking one of my meds.) So we came home on Tuesday and drove back on Wednesday for a Thursday test.

We have been so optimistic about the results because I feel better.

Yesterday at Mayo I finally had my right heart cath. The goal was for my lung pressures to be lower. As they were in the beginning, they would not put me on the transplant list because my lungs would ruin a new heart. So they did the test and when it was all said and done, the pressures were down, but not far enough.

It was all I could do not to burst into tears right there on the gurney. My stomach turned over and my mouth went dry. All I could think of was having to live with this damn pump for longer. It is what keeps me alive, literally, and yet it causes me the greatest amount of pain. I’ve started having panic attacks again and I just want my life back.

The doctor tried to cheeer me up and he did his best to keep it positive, but I all I kept hearing was “not low enough.” Still not qualifying for the list is just not an option and I am not sure how to deal with the disappointment.

I am tired of crying.


9 responses to “Blinded By My Tears

  1. Karen, You are on my heart and in my prayers.

  2. I’m so sorry! I can’t even imagine the courage it must take to get through each day and to shoulder that disappointment. Did your sweet doctor hold out hope that your lungs will continue to improve until you do qualify for the transplant?


  3. Karen, I think often of you and the struggle you’re having. Know that many, many people are wishing you the best and hope you get better news soon. May God give you peace and better health soon.

  4. Karen, I am so sorry to hear this. I wish I could solve this issue and make you smile again. I hope you find a solution fast. Until then, stay strong and hopeful. (I know, that’s easier said than done.) Thinking of you and wishing you the very best in health.

  5. Karen, I’m so sorry your news wasn’t better. I’ll pray that healing in your lungs will occur soon and you’ll be on that list for a transplant quickly. You’ve been through so much–I don’t understand why, but I know He’s with you all the way.


  6. Am so sorry snickerdoodle. 😦 Much love to you. Am excited to know though that next time I am in Florida to see the kid (who knows when!) YOU will be there. She’s decided to stay in Orlando btw – is looking for big girl jobs now. Thinking of you always.

  7. Oh bugger! 😦 (and much worse words) … big hugs. This kind of s**t is an exercise in endurance isn’t it? You WILL endure, and you WILL live.

  8. AH, Karen, Karen, I am so sad for your troubles. Somehow, though, I have the feeling you will surmount this trouble and emerge triumphant.

  9. Karen, I just can’t even imagine this terrible journey you’ve been taking for so long followed by disappointment after disappointment. I have to believe a miracle solution will be in sight soon! I hope you have a wonderful support of loved ones around and keep faith that things will improve. Wishing you good health soon!

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