Journey of the Heart

For months now, I have been battling this wicked ass depression. I’m up, I’m down. I’m good. I’m bad. Basically, I have been useless. Therapist says,  “focus on the positive.” I try. This only serves to muddle my brain and confuse me to the point of incoherancy. How can that be, you ask?

There are more bad days than good. No focus, no ambition, no desire. Still plenty of work to be done. Work I have been putting off for far too many months. Work that affects the lives of others. I fear doing said work because every time I try, I make mistakes and that defeats the purpose. I’m not ignoring the work, I just can’t get it done correctly.

So I wallow in the guilt I feel for letting others down. Not much positive there.

Therapist says, “do something creative, a project. The sense of accomplishment when you complete it will enhance your positive thoughts.” You would think so. So, off I go into what my husband calls the “crap” room –he doesn’t get the concept of “crafts” — to work on a projects. Now, I love crafts. Rarely do I actually finish a project, but I do so love starting them. So, again, since l don’t have the commitment to follow through and complete most things, I feel guilty because I am lazy and wasted all that time and money.

Therapist says, “Accept that your life is not what it used to be. You are waiting for a heart transplant and you can do nothing about that. Deal with it. You will do what you can and nothing more.” Well, I’m not sure where that leaves me, except sitting here rambling to heaven knows who.

I am trying something new today. I got up at 7:00 a.m when it was time to take my medicine. I am going to try my life on a schedule. I have mapped out the next two weeks, down to the half hour. Perhaps I can get things done this way. Hasn’t ever happened in the past, but who knows. I am a different person than I was yesterday.

So, if you see all kinds of strange things going on with me, odd mutterings, swearing, and other various peculiarities, just know it is me trying to be organized and productive. Oh, and positive.